JOIN ME ON MY JOURNEY TO YOU! (part 1 of 2)
Hello my friends. I hope you grab a cup of coffee or whatever you like…. I am asking you to relax and enjoy the story…. there is a happy ending, I promise!
Skipping over my childhood, let’s jump in during my early twenties. After a studying a year abroad for grad school in Paris, I moved to LA to be with my boyfriend (now husband), and began working for a renowned wardrobe stylist in Los Angeles, California. It was such an amazing experience! I met A-listers and musicians of my dreams. I went to their homes, movie sets, dressed them, and met their lovers!!! What a treat for a girl from Georgia!
Simultaneously, I lived a Hollywood rock n roll life with my husband who was a manager and producer of some fantastic musicians! We were traveling the world with his bands. Living a fantastically glam lifestyle. Hanging out with Neil Young, Daft Punk, Paul McCartney to name a few.
Champagne dreams.
Such good times. I look back and see that I have totally manifested this amazing life.
Enter my baby boys, Kundalini yoga and the miracle of birth
Just as I was burning out from the Hollywood scene, I started having babies (three boys to be exact!). My priorities happily shifted. I stepped into my manifestation of becoming a mother …. I learned what birth looked like and it was the most intense, difficult, magical experiences of my life. So I became a doula! I wanted to share my wisdom and love with woman, as they birth their child and themselves into to the world. I became a Kundalini prenatal yoga teacher studying with the famous Gurmukhi Khaksa, and also a childbirth educator. The magic of watching a baby being born is as close to God as you can get! I love the high of this miracle.
As time and my personal and work life evolved, I shifted gears. I wanted to get back out into the world. So my husband and I opened and co-owned several retail stores in Los Angeles, called Feal Mor - an international menswear luxury line that was produced and made in France and Japan. We hustled and were named the best men’s store by British Vogue. We were killing it!
During our retail era, my superwoman strengths were in full effect. I spent hours in traffic, I continued my education and earned my Executive Masters in Business Administration (EMBA) from Claremont Graduate University. Multi-tasking was my middle name - Mom, wife, independent business owner, entrepreneur, student and short order chef! I could do it all! We were living life in the fast lane and we were not slowing down.
And guess what?! My dream of becoming a multi-chain, international clothing brand eventually faded. I was burning out. The rewards and fulfillment weren’t there anymore. Not to mention my marriage was in jeopardy, my boys were struggling without me around b/c I worked 10-16 hour days consistently. I never stopped working. Being an entrepreneur running two companies and raising a family with small children was kicking my ass.
Decisions are the hardest thing to make especially when it’s a choice between where you should be and where you want to be.
We had to decide?
External success meant “Family Failure.”
In order to save our marriage and family, we made one of the hardest decisions of our lives. We decided to close our chapter at Feal Mor. Shut our stores down. Had to lease out our spaces. Shut down a major deal in Japan to open new stores.
We lost money. A lot of it.
But our family life, our children - they needed our attention and were our number one priority. Why else did we have them?
Being the seeker and driven person that I am… I decided to dive deep into myself, so I could help others. I became an International Coaches Federation certified life-coach. I went through a rigorous one-year training with Coaches Training Institute.
I wanted to help people discover their purpose, and find joy and meaning in their lives.
I wanted to help them learn how to make decisions from the heart, from their values.
I wanted to help them avoid the heartache, burnout and exhaustion of what I had been through.
So I did! And for the past 7 years, I have coached leaders, seekers, entrepreneurs, executives, artists, restaurant owners, parents, all of them!
I continue to be inspired and learn so much about our collective human struggles.
Things happen for a reason
However, karma eventually began to kick in and I unconsciously shifted into an old, negative program (AGAIN!)
I wanted to do the “next right thing,” to try and fit in, and to PLEASE those around me who thought I needed a “REAL JOB,” so that’s what I did - you know - the kind with benefits and retirement. The 9-5. It’s what you do with an EMBA, right?
What did I get myself into?
I worked in public relations and fundraising at a very well known and respected institution. Unfortunately, in my 2nd week on the job, top leadership took advantage of me. Coming from a “rock-n-roll, LA lifestyle,” I thought this was “normal’ish” behavior.
I was sexually harassed. Blackmailed. Bullied. Silenced. Coerced. Psychologically abused. Manipulated. The list goes on….
Being the eternal optimist, I tried to make the best of it…. and I had no legs to stand on because I was so new on the job. I thought it was my duty to protect the guilty…. I was made to protect them.
And you guys! At the exact same time - the “Me Too” movement began!!!!
Little did I know that I was at the center of my own “Me Too movement.”
I was a victim too.
I maintained a state of silence for almost two years …..I didn’t tell a soul, not even my husband.
But at the end, I was beaten-down, exhausted and depleted, I couldn’t keep the secret any longer. The tea kettle blew over and I accidentally became the whistleblower. It was never my intention, but I had to face this.
I learned the hard way
I found myself breaking down as I told my story to my newly hired boss. She was in tears to hear about what I had been through.
I hadn’t even realized the magnitude. The president of the company assured me that I would be safe and protected, as the “forced leaves of absents” and investigation began.
I had no idea what had just begun. But I made an emergency appointment to see my doctor, and he put me on medical leave and anti-depressants immediately.
I went into physical hiding. I feared for my life. People (those who were forced out - the guilty parties!) knew where I lived. I knew they had guns. I was scared. It was insane.
I kept the severity of it all a secret from my family because I was so embarrassed and ashamed at the mess I got myself in. They didn’t really know what I was going through (until later), partially bc I didn’t understand it either!
Many people lost their jobs, because they were aligned with the wrong person.. I thought it was my fault! (typical trauma response) I was ridden with guilt for a year, until I did the work …. lots and lots of therapy, a trip to a recovery center, etc.
Nevertheless, I gathered my ashes. Rebuilt myself. And today - I am so proud of myself. I stood up to corruption, risking it all. I learned what it meant to stand for truth and my values, even if it went against top leadership, destroyed my sanity, obliterated my sense of security, and also led me into alcohol addiction.
Just your normal 9-5 experience, right?
What followed this devastation and madness was a 6 figure career in the corporate world of banking and finance. I thought if I changed careers, everything would be better. And I had the opportunity to work from home and work in the American corporate landscape. So I took my traumatized exhausted ass and plopped it into a world that I really wanted to believe in. But hélas! The corporate world was numbing and soulless for me and I was already dead inside, so nothing would have worked out.
The darkness was coming.
I thought I could ignore all my traumas, and I tried to cover them up by doing the “expected right thing.” That meant - I pleased everyone around me. Put them first, me last. BOUNDARIES?? What were those?
I killed myself trying to be perfect. Raise my children like superwoman. Be an amazing wife (22 years!). Have a career. Excel. Exercise. Be a good friend. Be fit. Be beautiful. Maintain a house. Run a side business. Entertain. Smile. Cook beautiful meals. Garden. Be the modern day woman. Do it all …....just like what we see on social media! Right?!
I laugh now looking back because I was literally a Type A, perfectionist, over-achieving, and strung out from it all! And I thought I was actually “mellow!” LOLOLOLOL
All of this for what?
I walked away (more like got the boot) from my corporate job …I couldn’t believe that I was being asked to leave (more about that later!). This literally almost killed me. Nothing was working…and I couldn’t fake it anymore. I wanted to die, and almost did. Not facing my lifetime of trauma and sexual abuse, my inner pain almost destroyed me and my entire family.
I personally had to hit that proverbial rock bottom to wake the fuck up. I knew that if I didn’t get professional help, I would commit suicide. I was minutes away.
So I got help. Admitting that I need help was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to admit I was broken. I had to face my demons. I had to heal. I checked myself into a recovery center for a month. I talked about it all. I processed it. I burned in my own flames. And I had to humbly gather my ashes. Shit was gnarly.
But shew! I survived.
Seriously, I cannot believe I am sharing this with you today! I never thought I would get here. (this makes me want to cry)
It’s proof of my inner work, my spiritual practice, being vulnerable, being honest with myself, my family, my friends…. proof that time that heals.
My wounds have turned into gifts ….
Thanks to this rock bottom (insert silver lining here!), I had the opportunity to break major karmic cycles, heal my trauma, and face the unspoken, hidden darkness inside of me. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did it.
But I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to live and keep my family intact.
I began to listen and take the clues the universe kept giving me. Over and over.